Tag Archives: Thoughts

Because of you..

Because of you, my child has to grow up not only being a minority, but being a minority with baggage. Because of you, I don’t know if I’m the victim of rape, because I never liked you like that, but you were my friend; and you’d never do that, right? You’re in jail, because of you. Sure, she might have lied, but it was your door that she walked through.. Because of you, my child’s never known her father, and because of you I hope she never needs to. Because of you I often forget that she was created by more than just me, because it’s been just me from day one.. Because of You.
Because of you, she’s not an only child, and I don’t know the things they’ll discuss. Because of you, I don’t know how you’ll be portrayed to her, but it won’t be as a father. Because of you, there’s going to be a stigma that follows All of us. Because people ask questions that I don’t know the answers to.. Because of you, there’s an empty space on my child’s birth certificate, and a void I hope we’ll someday fill. Because of you, I wonder how Prince Charming became another devil in disguise, so quickly.

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As A Young Mother…

To say I’m hopeful is an understand. I’m hopeful that when you’re my age, that seeing my name appear randomly on your phone won’t feel like a burden. I’m hopeful that the thought of hugging me isn’t something that make’s you feel uncomfortable.. I’m hopeful, that when you hear a pear say, “I have the best parents in the world!” that you don’t think of me and scoff at how someone could actually love their parent(s) their much. I’m hopeful that when you grow older, you’ll realize that I tried my best, and that everything I do is with your best interest at heart. I hope that you’ll be patient with me, even if you don’t show it, because I’m still learning too. I hope that you never feel like anything less than the greatest part me, because if it weren’t for you, my life may have never taken direction. I hope that I tell you the right things when you need to hear them, and that you don’t resent me for not knowing how/when to say things. I hope that you’re never ashamed of me, and never take the small things for granted. I’m hopeful that you appreciate experiencing things for the first tine, together, as much as I know I will; like Disneyland or maybe a cruise, the possibilities of where I hope we’ll go are endless. I hope that I can push you to do better than I have, that you actually give a damn about school and get good grades. I hope that I never crush any of your dreams and only push you closer to your aspirations. I’m hopeful that your wildest dreams are greater than my imagination, and that you let me do everything in my power to help you achieve them. I’m also hopeful, that you’ll never use my own words against me. But in the end, I’m just hopeful that you wind up happy and that your health is never anything short of spectacular.

 

 

P.S. I claim no rights to the photo below.

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Apparently, I’m a trending topic!

No, I’m not talking about social media. I’m trending in small towns that surround the city I live in. Last spring, I was a “big tittied slut” in the words of girls who had never met me. Why? Because I had agreed to go to prom with a guy from their school, as a friend, who’s never had the best reputation until recently. I laughed, shrugged it off, said “coming from girls who can’t name a single man I’ve slept with, just shows ignorance.” I ended up not going to said prom, but not for that reason. In fact, the reason I didn’t go is quite complicated, but long story short? He wasn’t allowed to go.

Now, there’s rumors spreading in a town half hour away from me. These one’s saying I’m sleeping with a friend of mine that lives there, doing coke, and snorting pills. When I heard them, I told my friend, and we both laughed. There is absolutely no chemistry between the two of, and I’m not a “druggie.” But, I told the girl who told me, that if they wanna talk, “tell them I think I’m pregnant with his baby too.” I know pregnancy is a very serious thing, but if talking about me makes them feel slightly less miserable, let them.

Why? Because I know me, my friends know me, and my family knows me. I couldn’t care less what girls in small towns outside of my own are saying, or even thinking about me; in fact, I don’t care what the people in my own town say as long as I know the truth. To be successful in life, originality is key. Anybody can make copies of what they already have! I create my own happiness, and nobody is going to stop me. Rumors are words, spread by small minded people, who are trying to compensate for something they feel like they’re lacking. 729283bebe47abb10d6930cfcfefbee6 000000000-Rumors-Newspapers

I run, and run, and run.

but where do I go when nowhere feels like home?

when my glass suddenly becomes half-empty and the edges begin shattering.

what am I to do? when everything I tried forgetting remains true..

why does my mind tell me things the mirror doesn’t see?

it’s as if everything I believe is untrue, an image I created to believe I’m something better than I am.

although my demons are out to kill me, without them I’d seize to exist.Image

In all honesty..

So many times love is one sided, while one grows the other washes away.

So many times love is one sided, while one grows the other washes away.

I started this blog out of heartbreak. Out of “who can I tell?” And the fact that some of you can relate to my posts makes me realize that maybe I’m not so alone. My first post was about still being in love and not being able to admit it.. Not entirely sure what all I said, but the man I loved is honestly someone I respect more than most other guys.

You know that “oh-my-god, I dated THAT?” feeling we’ve all had at some point or another? I don’t feel that way towards him, I only have positive things to say about him and maybe it’s just a part of growing up. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that he made one error and actually apologized. It’s insane what saying “I’m sorry, and this is why…” Can do for a person.

Anyways, just a quick post for tonight 🙂

One last thing… If you’re reading this, I sort of love you because you’re taking time out of your day to do so.

He lives inside of me..

He watches me, my every move.

He sees my every sin,

watching every lie from my entire life.

Who is he? And where?

he’s a figment I created.

an image in my mind.

He loves me,

he cries as I die.

yet, somehow, also has arms open wide.

yet, as I lay here breathing what could be my last breaths,

he looks at me,

he has no eyes.

screams at me,

but makes no noise.