Tag Archives: teenager

As A Young Mother…

To say I’m hopeful is an understand. I’m hopeful that when you’re my age, that seeing my name appear randomly on your phone won’t feel like a burden. I’m hopeful that the thought of hugging me isn’t something that make’s you feel uncomfortable.. I’m hopeful, that when you hear a pear say, “I have the best parents in the world!” that you don’t think of me and scoff at how someone could actually love their parent(s) their much. I’m hopeful that when you grow older, you’ll realize that I tried my best, and that everything I do is with your best interest at heart. I hope that you’ll be patient with me, even if you don’t show it, because I’m still learning too. I hope that you never feel like anything less than the greatest part me, because if it weren’t for you, my life may have never taken direction. I hope that I tell you the right things when you need to hear them, and that you don’t resent me for not knowing how/when to say things. I hope that you’re never ashamed of me, and never take the small things for granted. I’m hopeful that you appreciate experiencing things for the first tine, together, as much as I know I will; like Disneyland or maybe a cruise, the possibilities of where I hope we’ll go are endless. I hope that I can push you to do better than I have, that you actually give a damn about school and get good grades. I hope that I never crush any of your dreams and only push you closer to your aspirations. I’m hopeful that your wildest dreams are greater than my imagination, and that you let me do everything in my power to help you achieve them. I’m also hopeful, that you’ll never use my own words against me. But in the end, I’m just hopeful that you wind up happy and that your health is never anything short of spectacular.

 

 

P.S. I claim no rights to the photo below.

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Apparently, I’m a trending topic!

No, I’m not talking about social media. I’m trending in small towns that surround the city I live in. Last spring, I was a “big tittied slut” in the words of girls who had never met me. Why? Because I had agreed to go to prom with a guy from their school, as a friend, who’s never had the best reputation until recently. I laughed, shrugged it off, said “coming from girls who can’t name a single man I’ve slept with, just shows ignorance.” I ended up not going to said prom, but not for that reason. In fact, the reason I didn’t go is quite complicated, but long story short? He wasn’t allowed to go.

Now, there’s rumors spreading in a town half hour away from me. These one’s saying I’m sleeping with a friend of mine that lives there, doing coke, and snorting pills. When I heard them, I told my friend, and we both laughed. There is absolutely no chemistry between the two of, and I’m not a “druggie.” But, I told the girl who told me, that if they wanna talk, “tell them I think I’m pregnant with his baby too.” I know pregnancy is a very serious thing, but if talking about me makes them feel slightly less miserable, let them.

Why? Because I know me, my friends know me, and my family knows me. I couldn’t care less what girls in small towns outside of my own are saying, or even thinking about me; in fact, I don’t care what the people in my own town say as long as I know the truth. To be successful in life, originality is key. Anybody can make copies of what they already have! I create my own happiness, and nobody is going to stop me. Rumors are words, spread by small minded people, who are trying to compensate for something they feel like they’re lacking. 729283bebe47abb10d6930cfcfefbee6 000000000-Rumors-Newspapers

I don’t want to be like my mother. I love her,  but not her attitude. I try,  and try, and try some more; all to get the same result. Never do I hear “I’m proud of you” but,  “fuck off/fuck you” is becoming more common. In her eyes I’m never doing the right thing. I want my children to be proud of me, Never embarrassed or belittled by me. I want them to hear “I love you” every night. I can’t even tell you the last time my mom said she loved me. It’s Really been that long. It’s killing me,  and I think that’s why I’m so stuck on the future,  because it’s optimistic and bright;  a whole new world in my eyes.

I run, and run, and run.

but where do I go when nowhere feels like home?

when my glass suddenly becomes half-empty and the edges begin shattering.

what am I to do? when everything I tried forgetting remains true..

why does my mind tell me things the mirror doesn’t see?

it’s as if everything I believe is untrue, an image I created to believe I’m something better than I am.

although my demons are out to kill me, without them I’d seize to exist.Image

Take them and I’m gone.

As we all know, it’s colder than the heart of Satan outside. Where I live it’s been snowing and slick. The last couple days I’ve been sick with the flu and my insides have been inside-out. To top things off? I finally start being productive, just to be shot down by my mother. She gets home and immediately comes up to my room to start complaining. During the warmer months I was training my horse, we have 7 and a pony, but stopped because the weather was too harsh and I knew I could start again next time it’s about freezing. I’m busy with work and school, so I’d assume my stay at home mother would be able to feed the animals like she had been doing before. Well, apparently not, apparently she wants to get rid of ALL of our horses, dogs, and the pony. Those animals are my babies, my dogs I’ve had since a young age. Two their ages, one mine, my best friend as a child and now. The same pets that keep me off drugs and keep me home at night. Something to look forward to. 

 

But little does she know, as soon as she gets rid of them, she gets rid of me.Image P.s. not me pictured.

Sometimes I get this “fever”

It’s insane, I want a baby. I know I’m being unrealistic, I know it wouldn’t be easy. Maybe that’s why I want one, I need challenge. However, I’m a teenager, I know it’d be a bad idea. My dreams of college? Most likely gone. Unless I did most of it online. I have friends but I don’t see them a whole lot like I used to, my child would be my life and I’d be fine with that. I quit smoking because I want to get in shape… Quitting wasn’t hard, I was never addicted. Getting in shape is a different story. I also know that I’d have to get a job, which I already plan on, but the money would hardly be mine. I want to live my life but it seems so far away. in all honesty, i’m hoping to be on birth control (the kind they put in your arm and lasts 3 years) just so I can have college and let go of my baby desires. Maybe I want one because I want love. I’m not in a relationship, I choose not to be in one. My family is pretty broken, not like we were but we’re far from close. My child would be my love. However, raising a child with no father would be selfish and not something I’d want to do.Image