Because of you, my child has to grow up not only being a minority, but being a minority with baggage. Because of you, I don’t know if I’m the victim of rape, because I never liked you like that, but you were my friend; and you’d never do that, right? You’re in jail, because of you. Sure, she might have lied, but it was your door that she walked through.. Because of you, my child’s never known her father, and because of you I hope she never needs to. Because of you I often forget that she was created by more than just me, because it’s been just me from day one.. Because of You.
Because of you, she’s not an only child, and I don’t know the things they’ll discuss. Because of you, I don’t know how you’ll be portrayed to her, but it won’t be as a father. Because of you, there’s going to be a stigma that follows All of us. Because people ask questions that I don’t know the answers to.. Because of you, there’s an empty space on my child’s birth certificate, and a void I hope we’ll someday fill. Because of you, I wonder how Prince Charming became another devil in disguise, so quickly.
If I had to describe my feelings for you… what would I say? I’d say “I like that boy.” I’d tell them the way you make me smile with your eyes, the way time stops when I feel your kiss against my lips. Or maybe I’d even say how excited yet surprisingly nervous I get every time I see your truck pull up. No, I don’t have the right words and maybe I never will, but there’s no denying that I’m at my happiest around you. And you know why? Because when I’m with you, you’re all that matters, you’re all I even see. I know, I’m not the easiest girl to deal with, and that I can be really frustrating, but at least I’m an original. If I was like all those other girls I wouldn’t be half as interesting or be able to understand the things that I do, You know I’m guarded, but I’ve been wearing my heart on my sleeve, and it make’s me sad that you can’t see that, that you can’t see how hard I’m actually trying.
For the last two years my joints have caused me immense amounts of pain. My back and knees are the worst. Furthermore, when I was working out (class, things I Should be able to do) the pain grew to the point to where I was cringing by the time night rolled around. However, I rarely complained to you because “oh, it’s nothing.. You’re fine” umm… Hell no I’m not! Not to mention that I trip myself because my knees randomly lock; for example, we were jumping on blocks during weightlifting and of course my knee gets stiff in the middle of jump leaving me on the floor with a glistening new, dark purply, bruise (not to mention Very swollen) from near my ankle and another stopping just below my knee. How embarrassing, right? At this point, I’m not curious what’s wrong with my body, I NEED to know. In contrast, you complain about your sore body all day to me, it NEVER stops. But god forbid that I got it from you, “oh, it only happens in people over 40” which is straight up bull shit; In fact, although that’s when it’s most common it’s not impossible. Do you research, seriously. Because I’ve been reading about these things for over a year now.
Sigh, I guess I’ll have to go to the doctor in college with my spare change and hope I didn’t choose a career in which it will be a problem. Or even worse, find out that it’s too late to stop the pain.
picture: taken i’m guessing the night after, when it was still a bit swollen. In person the colors were much more vivid and it was insanely shiny but in a scraped kind of way (it was rough and still visible for about month)