Tag Archives: him

The brain won..

How am I supposed to listen to the radio when every song reminds me of you.. 

How can I stop trying when I’m obsessed with you, when I’ve overdosed on your love already.. 

How do I breathe knowing you are my air, that’s no longer giving me oxygen..

Why do I do this, knowing I’m pushing you away further..

Why do I let my Anxiety get the best of me, every last time.

Why did I let you become my favorite obsession…

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Because of you..

Because of you, my child has to grow up not only being a minority, but being a minority with baggage. Because of you, I don’t know if I’m the victim of rape, because I never liked you like that, but you were my friend; and you’d never do that, right? You’re in jail, because of you. Sure, she might have lied, but it was your door that she walked through.. Because of you, my child’s never known her father, and because of you I hope she never needs to. Because of you I often forget that she was created by more than just me, because it’s been just me from day one.. Because of You.
Because of you, she’s not an only child, and I don’t know the things they’ll discuss. Because of you, I don’t know how you’ll be portrayed to her, but it won’t be as a father. Because of you, there’s going to be a stigma that follows All of us. Because people ask questions that I don’t know the answers to.. Because of you, there’s an empty space on my child’s birth certificate, and a void I hope we’ll someday fill. Because of you, I wonder how Prince Charming became another devil in disguise, so quickly.

How do I feel about you? (C.C.)

If I had to describe my feelings for you… what would I say? I’d say “I like that boy.” I’d tell them the way you make me smile with your eyes, the way time stops when I feel your kiss against my lips. Or maybe I’d even say how excited yet surprisingly nervous I get every time I see your truck pull up.  No, I don’t have the right words and maybe I never will, but there’s no denying that I’m at my happiest around you. And you know why? Because when I’m with you, you’re all that matters, you’re all I even see. I know, I’m not the easiest girl to deal with, and that I can be really frustrating, but at least I’m an original. If I was like all those other girls I wouldn’t be half as interesting or be able to understand the things that I do, You know I’m guarded, but I’ve been wearing my heart on my sleeve, and it make’s me sad that you can’t see that, that you can’t see how hard I’m actually trying. Image

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

   This is about a very particular ex (S.T) who I was friends with. He was who I’d call when I needed comfort, even after other guys had broken up with me. But that all changed the last time we hung out, the last time we hung out he had betrayed my trust once again. Except, the first was forgivable, this time was lies. After having an amazing night together doing stupid things and hanging with friends, it was me and him lying on my bed. I loved the way he kissed me, I loved the way he held me. I missed the feeling of someone caring. But this, was a false feeling. I had asked him what we were and he said he was unsure and that he didn’t want a relationship, I agreed. I really wasn’t in the condition to date anybody and still would rather not because I like being “free.” Little did I know he had meant “I want a relationship, but not with you despite the attraction.” The very next day he had gotten  a girlfriend, this was also the first day I didn’t text him. Instead of texting him every day like I normally would I waited a week, because we had sex that night and I didn’t want to get too attached again. I found out he had a girlfriend the moment I was texted back by a very rude girl who had thought she’d known the whole story when all she really knew was that I was his ex. I’d link you to the whole story, but I never created one. It’s actually a rather sweet story before those two nights. 

   That’s the main background though, all you need to know for me to continue. After a few months of going crazy ( I felt insane anger every time I had thought of him) and isolating myself every time these thoughts came to me, I thought I was finally forgetting it. I wasn’t getting as angry.

   Then, one night, I had this dream. In my dream all I really remember is I was at a guy’s house with him and my two best friends. One best friend (M’) was upstairs sleeping while  the other (S’) watched t.v. everything seemed normal. Me and the guy were going from where S’ sat in the living room through a small hallway and into his bed room. The lights were off, but I didn’t want to have sex with him and so I told him. The man lowered his voice and replied “I don’t care, it’s valentine’s day… You’re having sex with me” which caused me to run out of his room, and into the living room. “S, he’s going to rape me! We have to go.. Now! I can’t be here” I said practically in tears, we ran out to her car which was not starting, but we were at the top of a hill and pushed it and went as far as we could go. As we were driving, nearly in tears and shaking my head I looked at her and said “call S.T.! I need to talk to him, he’ll comfort me, I know he will” I can’t remember exactly what else was said, but she wouldn’t call and it was for a minor reason. The dream continued but didn’t get worse; however, that was the main point of it , I wanted to call S.T.

   I guess it’s harder to forget a person than I thought, I’ve tried talking to him but he won’t talk to me in return, he won’t give me closure. Yet again, I’ve said all I needed to say. Now, the ball remains in his court.Image

 

P.S. NOT either of is us pictured. it’s merely from google image’s 

In all honesty..

So many times love is one sided, while one grows the other washes away.

So many times love is one sided, while one grows the other washes away.

I started this blog out of heartbreak. Out of “who can I tell?” And the fact that some of you can relate to my posts makes me realize that maybe I’m not so alone. My first post was about still being in love and not being able to admit it.. Not entirely sure what all I said, but the man I loved is honestly someone I respect more than most other guys.

You know that “oh-my-god, I dated THAT?” feeling we’ve all had at some point or another? I don’t feel that way towards him, I only have positive things to say about him and maybe it’s just a part of growing up. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that he made one error and actually apologized. It’s insane what saying “I’m sorry, and this is why…” Can do for a person.

Anyways, just a quick post for tonight 🙂

One last thing… If you’re reading this, I sort of love you because you’re taking time out of your day to do so.

I can’t…

You’re ignoring me, destroying me down to my core. Now that someone confirmed you’re seeing someone new, I don’t think it’d be appropriate for me to tell you. To pour my heart into an explanation of how much I love and miss you. I’m happy for you, don’t get me wrong. It’s just when you talk to me it assures me you haven’t forgotten me as your friend. It assures me how happy you actually are. Your happiness is all I want. If that means not talking, I’ll die slowly but live with it. Just know, you’re a fool if you EVER doubt the amount of love I contain, for you.