Because of you, my child has to grow up not only being a minority, but being a minority with baggage. Because of you, I don’t know if I’m the victim of rape, because I never liked you like that, but you were my friend; and you’d never do that, right? You’re in jail, because of you. Sure, she might have lied, but it was your door that she walked through.. Because of you, my child’s never known her father, and because of you I hope she never needs to. Because of you I often forget that she was created by more than just me, because it’s been just me from day one.. Because of You.
Because of you, she’s not an only child, and I don’t know the things they’ll discuss. Because of you, I don’t know how you’ll be portrayed to her, but it won’t be as a father. Because of you, there’s going to be a stigma that follows All of us. Because people ask questions that I don’t know the answers to.. Because of you, there’s an empty space on my child’s birth certificate, and a void I hope we’ll someday fill. Because of you, I wonder how Prince Charming became another devil in disguise, so quickly.
To say I’m hopeful is an understand. I’m hopeful that when you’re my age, that seeing my name appear randomly on your phone won’t feel like a burden. I’m hopeful that the thought of hugging me isn’t something that make’s you feel uncomfortable.. I’m hopeful, that when you hear a pear say, “I have the best parents in the world!” that you don’t think of me and scoff at how someone could actually love their parent(s) their much. I’m hopeful that when you grow older, you’ll realize that I tried my best, and that everything I do is with your best interest at heart. I hope that you’ll be patient with me, even if you don’t show it, because I’m still learning too. I hope that you never feel like anything less than the greatest part me, because if it weren’t for you, my life may have never taken direction. I hope that I tell you the right things when you need to hear them, and that you don’t resent me for not knowing how/when to say things. I hope that you’re never ashamed of me, and never take the small things for granted. I’m hopeful that you appreciate experiencing things for the first tine, together, as much as I know I will; like Disneyland or maybe a cruise, the possibilities of where I hope we’ll go are endless. I hope that I can push you to do better than I have, that you actually give a damn about school and get good grades. I hope that I never crush any of your dreams and only push you closer to your aspirations. I’m hopeful that your wildest dreams are greater than my imagination, and that you let me do everything in my power to help you achieve them. I’m also hopeful, that you’ll never use my own words against me. But in the end, I’m just hopeful that you wind up happy and that your health is never anything short of spectacular.
I’d tell them that I simply can not. I’d say how I always want to be near you, but when I am.. you drive me absolutely nuts. I’d say how I’m not into you, but every so often just want you to pull me in and kiss you. I’d tell them that I care. How unlike many others, if you walked out of my life, I’d be genuinely be hurt. I’d tell them that you’re not my first thought in the morning, or my last at night, but never does a day pass where you’re not somewhere in between. I’d tell them how I can’t read you, that you’re a complete mystery to me. But above all, I’d tell them I wouldn’t trade you for anything.
Reflecting on my life, I never really could get it right. There was always quirks and twists. I hate love, and because of such have bad relationships with other people. I will always have mental issues; and although they’re easy for me to set aside most days… They still remain intact. My sanity on the other hand, does not.
Personally, I’m a very stubborn girl. The hardest words for me to say are “I love you” “i’m sorry” and/or “I miss you.” For me to say any of them, you should feel special. Especially when it’s without hesitation, because I could not say those without meaning it.
So many times love is one sided, while one grows the other washes away.
I started this blog out of heartbreak. Out of “who can I tell?” And the fact that some of you can relate to my posts makes me realize that maybe I’m not so alone. My first post was about still being in love and not being able to admit it.. Not entirely sure what all I said, but the man I loved is honestly someone I respect more than most other guys.
You know that “oh-my-god, I dated THAT?” feeling we’ve all had at some point or another? I don’t feel that way towards him, I only have positive things to say about him and maybe it’s just a part of growing up. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that he made one error and actually apologized. It’s insane what saying “I’m sorry, and this is why…” Can do for a person.
Anyways, just a quick post for tonight 🙂
One last thing… If you’re reading this, I sort of love you because you’re taking time out of your day to do so.