If I had to describe my feelings for you… what would I say? I’d say “I like that boy.” I’d tell them the way you make me smile with your eyes, the way time stops when I feel your kiss against my lips. Or maybe I’d even say how excited yet surprisingly nervous I get every time I see your truck pull up. No, I don’t have the right words and maybe I never will, but there’s no denying that I’m at my happiest around you. And you know why? Because when I’m with you, you’re all that matters, you’re all I even see. I know, I’m not the easiest girl to deal with, and that I can be really frustrating, but at least I’m an original. If I was like all those other girls I wouldn’t be half as interesting or be able to understand the things that I do, You know I’m guarded, but I’ve been wearing my heart on my sleeve, and it make’s me sad that you can’t see that, that you can’t see how hard I’m actually trying.
This is about a very particular ex (S.T) who I was friends with. He was who I’d call when I needed comfort, even after other guys had broken up with me. But that all changed the last time we hung out, the last time we hung out he had betrayed my trust once again. Except, the first was forgivable, this time was lies. After having an amazing night together doing stupid things and hanging with friends, it was me and him lying on my bed. I loved the way he kissed me, I loved the way he held me. I missed the feeling of someone caring. But this, was a false feeling. I had asked him what we were and he said he was unsure and that he didn’t want a relationship, I agreed. I really wasn’t in the condition to date anybody and still would rather not because I like being “free.” Little did I know he had meant “I want a relationship, but not with you despite the attraction.” The very next day he had gotten a girlfriend, this was also the first day I didn’t text him. Instead of texting him every day like I normally would I waited a week, because we had sex that night and I didn’t want to get too attached again. I found out he had a girlfriend the moment I was texted back by a very rude girl who had thought she’d known the whole story when all she really knew was that I was his ex. I’d link you to the whole story, but I never created one. It’s actually a rather sweet story before those two nights.
That’s the main background though, all you need to know for me to continue. After a few months of going crazy ( I felt insane anger every time I had thought of him) and isolating myself every time these thoughts came to me, I thought I was finally forgetting it. I wasn’t getting as angry.
Then, one night, I had this dream. In my dream all I really remember is I was at a guy’s house with him and my two best friends. One best friend (M’) was upstairs sleeping while the other (S’) watched t.v. everything seemed normal. Me and the guy were going from where S’ sat in the living room through a small hallway and into his bed room. The lights were off, but I didn’t want to have sex with him and so I told him. The man lowered his voice and replied “I don’t care, it’s valentine’s day… You’re having sex with me” which caused me to run out of his room, and into the living room. “S, he’s going to rape me! We have to go.. Now! I can’t be here” I said practically in tears, we ran out to her car which was not starting, but we were at the top of a hill and pushed it and went as far as we could go. As we were driving, nearly in tears and shaking my head I looked at her and said “call S.T.! I need to talk to him, he’ll comfort me, I know he will” I can’t remember exactly what else was said, but she wouldn’t call and it was for a minor reason. The dream continued but didn’t get worse; however, that was the main point of it , I wanted to call S.T.
I guess it’s harder to forget a person than I thought, I’ve tried talking to him but he won’t talk to me in return, he won’t give me closure. Yet again, I’ve said all I needed to say. Now, the ball remains in his court.
P.S. NOT either of is us pictured. it’s merely from google image’s
It seems like summer brings many people looking for love. I sometimes wish I didn’t have such a hard time facing it. There’s who love it and those who once did. I fall into the “once did… And hates to admit, once will again” category. There’s so many amazing men in my life, but who’s mr. right? Will I accidently choose mr. wrong? There stand before me a few insanely great men. H.C. Who’s the oldest, very smart and incredibly sweet. He always tries to make sure I’m happy and honestly, I tell him nearly everything. When he even begins to think he mest up he makes sure to apologize… Even if it was nothing at all. C.T. Love at first sight, three years ago. He’s a guy I know I can trust and get an honedt opinion from, we never amounted to anything but suddenly a spark came back. When we met I instantley felt I wanted to marry him and that’s never happened with any other guy. He’s sweet but not afraid to tell me that I’m sexy too, he has a way with words and is very open towards me. Did I mention he gives amazing massages? L.J. An ex, actually. He too is super sweet, as in.. He used to write poetry for me and we still are our complete selves with eachother. He’s far from shy and the way he hugs me makes me feel sincerely loved. All of these guys are so amazing; however, there is one more… A.D. he talks about how great our future could be and is almost as sweet as the others… Yet, I know him the least. All of these guys amaze me, and yet, I can’t seem to choose. Luckily, I’ve never had sex with any of them.
Even if all that means listening, but not speaking.
It’s the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s when they’re not all you think about; but they are the first person you think of the morning, and the last person you think of at night. Love is, never giving up. Love is when it doesn’t matter if their friends are attractive, or if they look at that cute girl that passes you, because you’re their’s and you both know that. Love is when you see him and can’t fight the urge to smile as you’re walking over to him. It’s when everything finally fits together. No, it’s not perfect. No, we weren’t perfect. However, trying to fight how much I love you only makes it grow stronger. Love is when they can melt your damaged heart and make you smile on your worst of days.
However, I won’t tell you because we’re not together anymore and being friends is second best. I feel Guns N’ Roses song “patience” is one of the best songs to describe how I feel. There’s no anger, or remorse. Yeah, you broke my heart… No, it wasn’t on purpose. I finally understand everything. For those of you reading this, considering you probably don’t know me, the relationship ended for reasons out of our control that made it insanely hard to see each other at this point in time. I feel like as much as I deny loving you, I’m never really going to fully stop. If we never get together again, I’ll always know that you were once mine, and you’ll always be one of my good friends with a section of my heart… You were my first real love and I would still do anything to make you smile
Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.
To me this quote reflects on how at first changes can seem absurd and in our hearts we think it’s the end of the world. But in reality, unless you’re Romeo and Juliet, it’s not the end. In fact, losing a friend or significant other may really be a new beginning.