I don’t want to be like my mother. I love her, but not her attitude. I try, and try, and try some more; all to get the same result. Never do I hear “I’m proud of you” but, “fuck off/fuck you” is becoming more common. In her eyes I’m never doing the right thing. I want my children to be proud of me, Never embarrassed or belittled by me. I want them to hear “I love you” every night. I can’t even tell you the last time my mom said she loved me. It’s Really been that long. It’s killing me, and I think that’s why I’m so stuck on the future, because it’s optimistic and bright; a whole new world in my eyes.
As we all know, it’s colder than the heart of Satan outside. Where I live it’s been snowing and slick. The last couple days I’ve been sick with the flu and my insides have been inside-out. To top things off? I finally start being productive, just to be shot down by my mother. She gets home and immediately comes up to my room to start complaining. During the warmer months I was training my horse, we have 7 and a pony, but stopped because the weather was too harsh and I knew I could start again next time it’s about freezing. I’m busy with work and school, so I’d assume my stay at home mother would be able to feed the animals like she had been doing before. Well, apparently not, apparently she wants to get rid of ALL of our horses, dogs, and the pony. Those animals are my babies, my dogs I’ve had since a young age. Two their ages, one mine, my best friend as a child and now. The same pets that keep me off drugs and keep me home at night. Something to look forward to.