Tag Archives: confidence

Apparently, I’m a trending topic!

No, I’m not talking about social media. I’m trending in small towns that surround the city I live in. Last spring, I was a “big tittied slut” in the words of girls who had never met me. Why? Because I had agreed to go to prom with a guy from their school, as a friend, who’s never had the best reputation until recently. I laughed, shrugged it off, said “coming from girls who can’t name a single man I’ve slept with, just shows ignorance.” I ended up not going to said prom, but not for that reason. In fact, the reason I didn’t go is quite complicated, but long story short? He wasn’t allowed to go.

Now, there’s rumors spreading in a town half hour away from me. These one’s saying I’m sleeping with a friend of mine that lives there, doing coke, and snorting pills. When I heard them, I told my friend, and we both laughed. There is absolutely no chemistry between the two of, and I’m not a “druggie.” But, I told the girl who told me, that if they wanna talk, “tell them I think I’m pregnant with his baby too.” I know pregnancy is a very serious thing, but if talking about me makes them feel slightly less miserable, let them.

Why? Because I know me, my friends know me, and my family knows me. I couldn’t care less what girls in small towns outside of my own are saying, or even thinking about me; in fact, I don’t care what the people in my own town say as long as I know the truth. To be successful in life, originality is key. Anybody can make copies of what they already have! I create my own happiness, and nobody is going to stop me. Rumors are words, spread by small minded people, who are trying to compensate for something they feel like they’re lacking. 729283bebe47abb10d6930cfcfefbee6 000000000-Rumors-Newspapers

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I’ll admit it, I’m a hypocrite on weight.

I always tell women how beautiful their figures are. I think plus sized models are GORGEOUS, they’re bigger but shaped in such a feminine, pretty way. I’m a rather thin girl with both large hips and breasts, but rarely am I thin enough in my own eyes. Here I am preaching how beautiful it is to be bigger, but I’m obsessed with my own weight.

 

A few years ago, about 5 of them, I hated myself and my life. I seen anorexia as beautiful. It was how I dreamed of looking, I never did become anorexic, but I did starve myself. I’d go without eating until I became dizzy and lightheaded. I ate, but not large portions.  More like, about half of what I should’ve. That was the easy part, the people around me never said anything because they didnt notice. I’m not blaming anyone but myself, but I wish I would’ve had my own view of beauty back in that particular portion of my life. 

Now, here’s the catch, I see my life and my body as beautiful. But I that number on the scale tell me if I’m good enough. 4-5 years ago I was the same height and weight, 2-3 years ago I grew an inch taller but gained 3 pounds. “It’s no big deal, it’s just that scale” I told myself. At the beginning of this last summer, I weighed myself and was yet another 5 pounds. I loved my figure until that moment, a part of me broke down, my confidence was melting. As a result? I lost 10 before school could roll back around. lately, I haven’t been working out at all and I’m slacking on my nutrition (which is surprising cause I tend to be a health freak). I know nobody else’s notices these changes because they’re very subtle, but it kills me. If I’m not perfect, I’m not good enough.

 

and that’s what makes me a hypocrite.Image

Just ranting

Honestly, I hate society. I used to walk out wearing baggy clothes, no makeup, and thick framed glasses. I have a pretty face that I’d cover. I got no attention from men what so ever. However, society cares about a person’s body just as much as they care about a person’s face. Usually, I dress in the clothes I like (sort of a “rock” type of look, neither the sweet take-me-home-to-your-mother look or the i’ll-have-sex-with-you-for-money look) and typically I do my makeup very nicely because I like looking in the mirror and feeling proud that I’m not “ugly.” Anywho, I went to the mall with no makeup on and my hair puleld back, my clothes were dirty (grass stained bluejeans and a fitted tank top) from doing farm work; but, because it was a fitted tank top I still got checked out per say. I didn’t think much other than “wow, that man is a pig” hearing comments a man was making to his friends. It didn’t become personal until last night, I tried messaging someone out of boredom to which he responded “I thought you stopped talking to me a long time ago?” followed by him saying that he wanted nothing to do with me and that “I only liked you because you have a nice body” I have a few comments on that. 1. I respect his honesty although I would’ve loved it if he had been honest when we talked the other times 2. He actually wanted to know me before he seen my body (through my clothes, NOT naked although he sure did try to) 3. This guy is often called an amazing influence, People think he’s amazing because he’s come a long way and used to be homeless but seriously? And it’s not just him, many men act like this towards women and if I didn’t have some amazing men in my life including an overly honest best-guy-friend (named H.C.) I might go crazy. The amount of shit young women take is ridiculous, I hear crude comments because I’m attractive. My friend? overweight and get’s “kill yourself” comments and pushed around. Maybe that’s not ALL about looks, but confidence. I used to be pushed around then after attempting suicide several times, I learned that I am the ultimate decision in my own happiness. People know that I don’t get offended easily and won’t react much at all to anything said to me. My friend? she will take it to heart and has been in the mental hospital, she smoke’s weed almost every day and everyone knows it. This, society, is unfortunately  an easy target. One last thing, society makes of us what we make of it. Image

Do you ever wish to be ugly?

Suddenly, you’re not loved because of your look; instead, you’re loved for who you actually are. No more pressure to be perfect. Fairy tales teach us we can kiss a frog and make a prince, but society? Teaches us we all must look perfect, each and every day. I feel as if most guys who talk to me really just want one thing… Sex. Personally, I love my looks but sometimes wish so much that others didn’tImage think I was as pretty as I do.